Bumping off your travel partner: tips for the perfect travel murder

This colourful topic arose as an after-dinner conversation on our holiday with fellow travellers and was admittedly fuelled by a drink or two along the way. I thought it worth sharing here purely as entertainment, and certainly not to provide anyone with ideas of how to mysteriously dispose of the love of their life. So as the saying goes, please do not try any of these at home. As the post will demonstrate, each method has its serious pitfalls.

Death on the Nile

Is there a more romantic place to stage a murder than on a luxury cruise ship? The plan is simple: spend the first part of the trip making friends with a group of rich and wealthy individuals, each wrestling with their own ‘issues’. By day five or six the chances are that each will have established a motive for doing away with your unfortunate travel partner. Then do the deed, hide your tracks and wait for the fingers to point in every direction on board. This plan is only likely to fail if there is a moustached Belgian detective on board, so it’s wise to check this before you proceed.

Tasmanian Devils

If you’ve visited Tasmania you’ll no doubt have come across these creatures; in a wildlife sanctuary at least. Their main claim to fame is their ability to bite through anything: bone, cloth, even the metal of a belt. It is said that were a human body thrown into a pit of devils, within a couple of days there would be absolutely no trace of it. The perfect plan? Well, you would need to a/ find a pit of Tasmanian devils and b/ drag a dead body unseen into the pit. If you get past these considerable obstacles, you could be onto a winner.

The cliff top stroll

An old favourite, this method involves inviting your partner to ‘take the air’ on a bracing sea walk. The high cliffs offer wonderful views out to sea, and along those precarious paths along the top, ‘accidents do happen’, especially on a windy day. Be aware though that police forensic methods are now so advanced that any signs of a struggle are likely to be detected in the post-mortem. The most foolproof method is to have the partner pose for a picture at the cliff edge, and then just ask them to ‘move back a bit’, repeating as necessary (executing this method while having the camera in video mode will result in your plan unravelling in spectacular fashion).

The poisoned chalice

Has there ever been a cleverer method than the drop of deadly poison in the wine glass? The stuff of legends, it has led to the demise of heroines, villains, and perhaps most famously the battle of wits so brilliantly played out in this scene from the Princess Bride:

All you need is access to deadly colourless poison, and the nerve and wits to ensure that your victim is not smarter than you are.

So there you have it. Four methods to consider next time your travel buddy is driving you crazy and you’re tempted to go it alone in more ways than one. But be warned: as I’ve highlighted each of these comes with its own risks that could leave you in a whole load of trouble, or worse.

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7 Responses to “Bumping off your travel partner: tips for the perfect travel murder”

  1. When I was in Namibia we were told that if a crocodile carcass was found on the river, it was law that it had to be reported to police who would come and officially destroy it. Apparently this is because there are toxic compounds in a crocodile’s brain, and when used in the right way they can kill a person with absolutely no evidence of poisoning – it just looks like natural causes. So if you really need to bump off a travel partner when in that part of the world, all you need is a dead crocodile and a friendly native who knows what to do.

    September 21, 2010 at 11:40 am Reply
  2. Love it! I was even thinking about that scene in the Princess Bride just last week!

    Although sometimes your travel partner sets it up for you. When I first began traveling with Patrick it was in Argentina, and we stopped to see alligators. Well i thought they were alligators, they were in fact Caimans ( but either way they looked like they could bite you nicely) and he wanted his picture. The thing started to come out of the water for him and he became upset that I dropped the camera and refused to take a picture.

    September 21, 2010 at 11:43 am Reply
  3. Thanks for the kind workds and the extra suggestions Kristian and Sherrie – the croc poison sounds particularly deadly.
    (And there I was, worried that the topic might offend :-) )

    September 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm Reply
  4. No worries about offending, I think anyone who has ever traveled for any length of time with another person has at least entertained “what if” scenarios. Its how close you get to acting them out that determines if you are still friends after the trip. :-P

    September 21, 2010 at 3:00 pm Reply
  5. Cam #

    Great post – very entertaining. African safari?

    September 21, 2010 at 4:55 pm Reply
  6. ROFL!! lovvit! so funny this post and I never saw it from that angle but yeah- wow, murder 101 .. i’m taking notes! :)

    September 22, 2010 at 9:38 am Reply
  7. I admit, I giggled. And had plot bunnies racing through my head. The crocodile thing is very, very creepy… Fun post if taken with a grain of salt. Thanks!

    September 23, 2010 at 1:12 am Reply

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